It’s deep into the dark night of something mysterious. We are God lovers and we are Jesus sisters and brothers and we run blindly into the night and we wait to catch a breath of something so holy it will change our cells. We free fall into arms that speak love and sometimes seem indifferent and we gather our courage and we try again. To reach the holy one in the dark, when there is no light, is this lesson of Christ that leads me to repentance.  Moments of trial and pain, I will kneel down and try not to strain. I will lay before him broken and ask for his love to quicken everything that needs his touch and I wait as music rises up and the swell of my heart beats louder in my ears. I wait, for that magic moment, the woman with the issue of blood, the angel stirring the waters, the man lowered from the rooftop. I am all of those people, waiting for his holy shadow to cross my beggars cry.  If there is one thing I remember in my wilderness of ragged and jagged edges, God touched me in a moment. It took one moment to change my life. I believe in another moment. I cling to it. It is my holy hope. The mystery of something swirling in love. 

I will wait


Last Night

Some nights are darker than others. By that I mean the circumstances cloak our confidence and cover us in questions to a benevolent God. I believe it is often called “The dark night of the soul.” A place of bewildering fears and perplexing symptoms. If you have missed the fun, good for you (not sure why some of us are having more fun than others.) As for me,  life is what happens when your making other plans and that can drag a person down.

I have recently realized that most people live in a blissful place of denial and indifference. They can actually NOT be overcome with grief and anger while watching the evening news. They can drive past a dying animal on a highway and not feel led to help. They can avoid thinking about the brown clouds and the acid rain and the species growing extinct. They don’t give any of it a second thought.  I am not trying to toot my own horn, I am simply using this as an example. For many years I have been trying to raise awareness and funding for little orphans kid’s (I call them sparrows) so they can live, grow up and not be so deathly ill by contaminated water that they can’t change anything for their fellows. I was turned on to the needs of orphans by a former friend and Playboy playmate Susie Kraubacher who was doing amazing work in Haiti. I helped her for a while and then I felt led to find my own little corner of the world.  I actually thought most people would care if I showed them the need. Wow was I wrong about that! What has happened more often than not is the indifference. They cant get past their own little need in the luxury of living here, with running water and toilets. They can’t (or won’t) put themselves in someone else’s shoes and walk for a minute. They “have their own charities they give to or they don’t know if their money will actually go there.” If I post that I am close to funding another water well, they “like” it but they never take the next step. Just click on the button and donate…$10…think how great it would be if everybody gave just $10. I am not trying to shame you here, but I am asking you to think. What is holding you back? Why won’t you help those little sparrows? I think it’s great if you actually do give to other charities. I hope it is monthly and generously. I just want Americans and the well to do in the world to give a s&*%. Wake up to your blessings and be willing to share just a tiny part of your blessings with others. Do I sound angry or tired? I am. I have been deathly ill off and on these past three years and I don’t know if I have much more time and I am really wanting to help as many little sparrows as I can. I am tired of the elite having it all without gratitude and a heart of compassion and love for others. It can cause me to question everything good in my fellows.  So last night was a dark night of my soul. A lonely journey into darkness (both literally and figuratively) that had me wondering if I was dying. After a night of prayer and extreme sickness and then awakening after a few hours of sleep in my cushy, warm bedroom, it suddenly hit me just how many people around the globe have those nights and they are alone and without clothing and bedding and fresh water to drink and food to nourish them. It hurts like hell even under the best of conditions (like mine) and they have to suffer without hope. It breaks my heart to type that last sentence because without hope you will perish and they do…by the millions every year around the world. 

I am asking again (for them) do you want to help me to fund life?

#orphans #lonely #justdoit


Finding truth in the “me too” movement

This whole week has been about the “Me too” movement. Women are standing up and expressing the sexual harassment and trauma that they have carried with them since they were young. Secrets hidden deep in their minds and hearts and in their DNA code. Once young and hopeful becomes used or disrespected or even (as was the case for me) violated. I once wrote in a diary that “men rape in many ways.” They rape with indifference of feelings or respect, they rape with rejection of heart and spirit, they rape physically as well. Rape being used in the vernacular of power, disregard for the other “An act of plunder, to strip something of resources”  is one definition. The act of seizing and carrying off, violation or abuse”  is another. So yes, rape is mostly understood as sexual violation, without consent, but I venture to say it goes further. Violation of vows strip the marriage of its resources. Violation of trust strips the relationships between a parent and a child as it strips the relationship of its much-needed foundation. We are careless with our relationships. We pledge to protect, care for or nurture another (either through parenthood or marriage) and then we plunder the very soil we have planted our lives in. We have lost so many human values of kindness and decency in our society. We are without filters, blurting out anything our over worked and stressed minds can conjure up and when people recoil, we blame them. No acceptance of one’s own responsibility in the matter. No accountability or soul-searching to see how we might have harmed another. Accountability is a rarely used word or action any longer. Kindness is lost in the stress of offense. Where do we find our compassion for one another? How do we forgive the unforgivable? I have had a lifetime of “unfair stuff” and so I have had a lot of time to think on these things. When I first heard about forgiveness in the bible “Forgive your enemies. pray for those who use and abuse you.” I thought WHAT? Why would God have me forgive the abuser? The rapist? The neighbor who made our lives a living hell? Why should I forgive my ex-husband who cheated on me two weeks after our vows were exchanged in the mansion covered in ivy where we pledged eternal love? OR the Dr who broke my neck, the neighbor who raped me in some bushes. How is that fair? WHAT possible reason would God have for that? How about all the people who sprayed pesticides and herbicides and forced us from our home after saying they wouldn’t? (Never to be able to return) Why is any of this forgivable? I have had to forgive my abuser in my childhood (my Mom) and help care for her at the end of her life. I had to forgive my closest and dearest parent (my dad) for not believing me about my mom. I remember bathing my mom and turning to see her looking at me with hate in her eyes. I remember something Mother Teresa said about caring for the unlovable. She imagined them to be Jesus and she was tenderly caring for Jesus while she cared for them. It’s what I did with my mom to the best of my ability.

I think God commands us to forgive others because UNFORGIVENESS brings poison into our own life. It’s called a bitter root. I once heard it said this way “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”  It does me NO good to hold unforgiveness and anger against those who have wronged me. It gives them power that holds me in chains.  I am smart enough to realize that the greatest gift I can give myself is to forgive someone else. 

So in this time of “Me too” I want to suggest that to hold anger and resentment and hatred towards those who sexually harassed us, or touched us inappropriately or even those who rendered us mute with the suffering and trauma of being held against our will and violating us, those people need to be released. They are holding us in chains if we don’t. They are poisoning our lives with our unforgiveness and we can never be free if we don’t or won’t forgive. Forgiveness is not condoning or accepting that what was done to us  was ok. IT wasn’t and it never will be. Forgiveness is saying “I release you because I love me. I know that I am going to be ok and I am strong and that you are released to GOD and I am blessed because I am the stronger and the better for having released you and your act. You will one day answer to God for what you did to me. It’s enough to know that day will come. I release you to God, to be blessed and to be changed. Amen”



The Morning after a storm

It’s the morning after a storm. The storm can be something as huge as Irma or as small as having the flu so bad you pray to die. The storm can be a health crisis, or a bankruptcy. The storm can bring unexpected challenges that topple your confidence in a benevolent God. The storm can be a catalyse for change. Storms come into every man/ woman’s life and some of us are more prepared than others. Some of us are more proactive about a storm coming. We buy insurance, bottled water, flashlights and stockpile some food. We tag our beloved animals for identification in case we are separated. We pray and we strain and we let go as the storm’s approach. Sometimes we even have the strength to ride the crest of the wake through the storm, or kneel in peace through the eye of the storm.  Sometimes we look death in the eye……

The morning after the storm is one of deep breaths and sighs of relief. We have opened our eyes again. We have seen the backside of life and we survived. The hand of God swept the clouds away and today there is blue skies once again. The morning after a storm brings a sense of wonder for life again. We have survived and we are fully alive. We understand so clearly how fragile life is, how violent the testing can be. We are shaken and we are thankful and we are mindful of the gift of life. The morning after a storm is a wake up call to our days. It is a reminder that we are finite and there is a infinite God. It’s a reminder to live each day as if it were your last, for one day it will be. It is a reminder to lean and look up and thank the Lord from whom all blessings flow. It’s a reminder to go forward and to be thankful. One blessed storm free moment at a time.



Trash and the state of my soul

I stepped out this morning to the chill that reminds me of what is coming. I stood on our deck in the mountain air and willed myself to feel something akin to normal. This summer has not felt normal. The monsoonal rains which left mold wafting through our cottage, the decline in business to our guest cottage, the loss of intimacy with neighbors has left my soul in a bewildered state. The weather challenges all around the country, from wild fires which are burning in record numbers in the north and west, to the hurricanes Harvey and now Irma, that have rendered much of the south and east helpless and debilitated. I wonder if the signs of global warming have come to roost. The naysayers and the activists alike are reaping the onslaught of a very angry planet. An earthquake, magnitude 8 in Mexico. Droughts, flooding, carnage. The world is broken.

Our own homes here are broken too. Tenants, the like of which we have never seen, left our ranch in complete destruction. Broken ceilings full of mold, cracked sinks, broken doors, sprinkler systems, weeds taller than my 5’1 inch frame. Then they threatened to sue us. While the cottage on the mountain continued to emit a moldy smell in rooms for no apparent reason. My husband has little time to sleep. We have little help from community. I continue to go to the Dr every week, just to stay alive, just to try to eat. It is just my husband and I…putting one foot in front of the other, plodding without much hope some days. I awakened this morning, my heart slamming in my chest..a nightmare that would not leave me in the night. Violence, on every channel, long time friends silent and neglectful.

I wrote a book and it was met with much indifference. A few lovely people contributed their time and thoughts to launching the soul of me from its pages. The world could care less. My 90-year-old dad said “I needed to write a book with a sex scene in it.” We looked at each other wide-eyed and began to laugh hysterically, this precious church going man and I. What has the world come to? He is sadly right I think, and the sex is getting graphic (think 50 Shades of Grey). I can’t even begin to compete with that.

I have lost so many friends to this election. The polarization of white conservative, evangelicals backing a President that lies, taunts, bullies, acts as if he is a dictator, incites violence with his words, disrespect people and women, removes any protection set in place for the environment and it’s people. It has left me floundering in the church pew I once called home. I am adrift.

So I listen as best I can to the birds chirping. I listen as best I can to the sounds of normal.  If one more person tells me to “trust God” and not lift a finger to help I think I just might……………….Not sure what I might do. The other day I stumbled outside with piles of trash all around me and cried for an hour. It’s been a long and lonely summer. All of it, the trash coming from Washington, the trash left from the carnage of storms, the trash left from disrespectful and spoiled young tenants for whom the world must cater to. It has left my soul in a state of confusion and grief.  Normally I like to leave my writing on a postive note. Not today…not today



Eyor knows the truth

I am sitting in my bedroom, doors shut and sealed from the outside air of pesticides and the inside air of sewage and mold, in a beautiful place that resembles what was my peaceful place until (yet again) someone chose death products to spray into the air around us all. Pesticides KILL. They kill bugs and they kill birds and they kill clean groundwater and they even kill people. Some people die slowly with cancer and Parkinson’s and MS and some die quickly with heart attacks and strokes and YES I am saying they cause these things in the vulnerable among us. I recognize that many of you stopped reading right there. That I might be sounding like a neurotic, fanatic woman who is not telling the truth because you can buy Raid and Johnson and Johnson is “The family company” and it hasn’t seemed to hurt you. RIGHT?  Wrong. Pesticides are PROVEN causes of Parkinson’s and Childhood cancers. They are the leading cause of neurological symptoms (depression) and have been banned in foreign countries but here in the good United States of America, Scott Pruitt and the EPA and the Trump Administration have taken millions of dollars to remove safety measures of these products. They have changed the clean air and the clean water act so that massive amounts of chemicals are now being poured into our air and into our water in ever-increasing TONS and we are the experiment for the chemicals. We are the lab rats. How many of us will exhibit and how many of us will die? Who in the medical professions are trained in what chemicals do to the body? Do they even know what to call the symptoms walking into their emergency rooms and offices? I think we are the canaries in the coal mines. The chemical companies all around us are plying us with fear tactics about Zinka and West Nile, when those cases (as tragic as they are for the few victims) are NOTHING compared to the suffering these chemical bombs and spraying programs are causing to the masses. Yet somehow they have convinced the unsuspecting population who hates a mosquito bite (Rose geranium works great BTW, as does Lemon Eucalyptus) that the massive chemicals are needed to save them, (To the tune of BILLIONS of dollars to the chemical companies) They have convinced consumers who hate spiders (peppermint is great for causing spiders to vacate and go do the job they are designed to do which is to kill insects that are far more damaging) that they must spray. There is a beautiful eco-dance that is meant to be happening and we have caused it to go completely out of balance. We are causing more problems than the insects have created.  For those of us who are already severely damaged by chemicals it may be too late. To those of you who are still living your “beautiful” life and the worst thing you have is a headache or aching joints when the sprays happen around you please wake the **** up! I was once very healthy. I was once able to go anywhere and eat anything. I was once living my life in complete ignorance about our government and their lack of protection for their citizens. It takes a moment in time to change everything. When will your moment come? A cancer diagnosis, a trembling finger, a dizzy attack, a heart attack after being exposed days before? An increasing inability to tolerate foods? More depression in your days, seemingly without reason? A teenager full of rage? WAKE UP!!!

One of my favorite character in Winnie the Poo is Eyor, because he knows that life can be truly hard and he, with his sad sweetness is sounding an alarm. My hope is that you will listen. Listen to those of us who suffer. Listen and change.

For more information on essential oils to fight off insects please contact me at



Venus and the moon (From The Keeper of Me)

They hang like earthly friends in a cosmos sky

Dancing in God’s creation of light

The sounds of Brahms lullaby

Within their ears

Sharing the wonder of the universe

In the galaxies so bright

They are content to be brilliant

Just by hanging together

On the stars corner of infinity

God’s splendor

goodnight earth bound friends……goodnight