I went to a memorial this weekend for a dear friend of mine (of 35 years) and the church was packed and the photo’s of Greg when he was young and when he was a Navy fighter pilot (think Top Gun) brought gut wrenching tears to his family and all of us overwhelmed with the sorrow of our loss, but the hope is in his soaring out of pain with the maker of his life. He loved Jesus and they are together now. I also had the one year anniversary of one of my lifelong and beloved friends, who passed unexpectedly a few days after we spoke. I sobbed at her memorial, sobbed and rocked and rolled with that loss. (Still can’t wrap myself around her absence.) This morning I read of a writer friend who lost her husband last week in a plane crash. I turned on the news to children clinging to one another in the aftermath of bombing their homes. I hear about the orphans, the women who are being raped as they walk the nine miles to get dirty water in Africa…I am numb and I am sorrow. Sorrow seems planted in the good rich soil of this planet and for many of us our hearts. The latest school killing spree, the systematic dismantling of the environment and it’s splendor. I could go on and on and on. But I won’t. I lost a dear friend last year because of this blog, because I spoke my truth of pain and he felt I was too depressing and not a good witness for Jesus. That the world didn’t need to hear of my sorrow, they needed to hear of my hope. I also had another friend distance herself from me because “she felt tension between my husband and I” she said she has to have only positive vibes around her and she hopes I will be able to do that with her. My thoughts are good vibes and bad vibes do a dance and to deny one doesn’t ensure mental health (at least not for me.)
I am a woman who speaks truth and for me there is sorrow and there is hope. I cannot pretend that life is easy or happy or perfect when it clearly is unraveling in so many ways. I also know without a doubt that in spite of all of that, in spite of down days and feeling hopeless at times, the Lord lifts me up. I am a David in the Psalms, speaking, lamenting, crying and then reminding “BUT GOD.” I try always to remember kindness towards others. I work harder than anyone I know to not neglect the gift of Christ loving me and therefor passing on that love. There is mercy in the house and he is the reason for it. But part of that mercy is the very reason I believe that he loves me. I will never be able to NOT be me. Eeyore and Tigger all rolled up in one. The sun is rising and it is glorious, but with that sun is a bitter cold wind. It’s the reality for today. So for today I will embrace the truth of it. Bundle up with sweaters and mittens and remember that spring is coming. To deny the cold is foolish, even if I have my face upward towards the light. They co-exist in nature.