Crazy & Thankful

I have been watching and reading about cancer fights by young women who exhibit such courage and grace and wisdom that I am reminded of my blessings (No matter how sick I am.) Crazy, Sexy, Cancer is a documentary by Kris Carr and while I lay in bed with my latest round of either the flu, or a cold or shingles or herpes or an autonomic adverse reaction to my heart which left me soaking a bed all the while my heart was in a race to the heavens with it’s 150 bpm, I am reminded (by my husband who said it could be worse which at the time didn’t feel very supportive, but he is right.) As a two time cancer survivor I am reminded of the grace of God on my life that has sustained me through a lifetime of an under reactive or over reactive Immune system. I am reminded of the sheer tenacity of my spirit to overcome the incredible challenges that have come my way and I awaken thankful and grateful. My friend lost her beloved husband last night, unexpectedly while I was irritated with mine. I am reminded once again to Be grateful for what I have. I have a hardworking, loyal man who adores me. Through thick and thin, in sickness and in health. He appears to be a rare bird these days as I am sure most men would be long gone. I am reminded that I am going on 10 years since cancer came marching across the landscape of my life. Did I have all the support I needed in loved ones? Nope…(they apologized, said they were scared) and do I understand why people who love you leave you in the middle of your darkest nights? I don’t…but I do know that GOD never left me. That was an amazing truth, that in the midst of drowning in the sorrow and fear and pain, GOD was there.

So this morning, I am reminded to count those blessings, the dog snoring peacefully, the hot water, my sleeping husband, the home that sustains me in winter. I am reminded that I have a choice to be thankful and to count every blessing. Every teeny tiny blessing which all add up to one blessed day, which brings me another blessed awareness of a life worth fighting for.


For our children I tell my story

There is a time in a long suffering journey when all the doctor visits and all of the food changes and all of the homes created for healing seem for naught. When I was first diagnosed in the early eighties, after spending almost a straight year in an isolation unit in a hospital, my parents asked if what I had  was like Aids. The doctor looked them in the  eye and he said “No it’s worse.” At that point I was 86 pounds of pain, and living in a unit that tried to protect me from germs and chemicals because my immune system had gone AWOL. I was on oxygen and fed fluids through a tube and was a lab rat of sorts, as they experimented on me to prove to themselves that my disease was not psychosomatic, but rather some new breed of illness that actually rendered the body defenseless and over reactive all at the same time. It was the start of the “Auto-immune era” after chemicals were introduced into our world during WWII. The bodies of some of us simply didn’t know how to handle nor interpret the chemical messages and the bodies began to break down. There were about 6 of us in the unit at that time. Dying and frightened. I am now in my 34th year of sickness. The average time for most people with this disease  from diagnosis to death is between years 16-18. Most die from secondary infections or cancer or a severe reaction to a substance. The cause of death will not be attributed to this disease process, though it is the reason they will die.  Silent Spring, a book by Rachel Carson was a cry for the world to NOT become chemically addicted and poisoned. She was ridiculed and called delusional. She was a cry in the wilderness, a voice pleading with all of us to stop the madness before it is too late. I am one of the victims she predicted  (as are bee’s and birds and water sources and land stripped of life )and when I was first diagnosed they estimated just a few thousand of us in the United States. The estimated numbers now are in the millions. From first responders after 911, to veterans coming back from war, the number of us suffering from the evil carnage of chemicals is staggering. When we begin to understand the number of toxic chemicals we are exposed to in a single day (Average 550 by many accounts) from our make-up to our soaps, to our cleaning products, the carpets, the paints, deodorants, laundry detergents and dryer sheets, air fresheners, weed killers, bug sprays, chemical fertilizers, dry cleaning fluids, construction products, car exhaust, diesel smells, petrochemicals, glues, the list is truly endless in the US. which is tightly dancing the dance with chemical companies such as Monsanto and Bayer and Johnson and Johnson and Dow chemical while much of the world is banning those products. In Washington those companies spend millions of dollars lobbying and paying our politicians to vote for their freedoms and strengths in this country. This scenario of Giants killing and harming our world in the name of science and altruism (which makes me violently angry when I hear them spout their words about caring for the planet and feeding the planet etc)  Sadly Hilary Clinton and her running mate are big supporters of those big chemical businesses. I don’t know about Donald Trump but I suspect he is also. They can sit in Washington and say it’s safe to use all of these chemicals and GMO seeds, while I, and millions of us are suffering to a magnitude that  is indescribable. I will attempt right now to describe my days. I awaken every morning dizzy and in so much muscular pain I can barely get out of bed. My stomach is blocked or it is burning, when I urinate it can burn. My eyes are always red and they have blisters on them. I wear sun glasses most of the time. My liver hurts me, aches and jabs at me depending on what I am exposed to. My back tingles and my left side is tingling or numb.I have pressure in my head, and I carry exhaustion with me to the point where I have to stop and catch my breath. My bones crack, my ears roar and hiss and ring. If I go out with my loved ones to do anything and I get exposed my brain swells and I can feel like I can’t go on anymore. I cry and weep and pray almost constantly during those times and I pray to die. Everything I eat causes me symptoms. I love people but the chemicals that they use and wear make it almost impossible to be close to them. Well meaning people can make me very ill with their perfumes and soaps and hairspray and whatever else they use. When I attempted to recently purchase a used car and was outside because the showroom was making me so ill, I was poisoned by a lawn care company spraying for weeds during normal business hours. I have no rights, to clean air or clean water or to be able to go to church or a public place and not be sickened by other people’s “Right to choose.” When will I have rights?

My days are seemingly drawing near. No one knows when I will pass but I know that too many more exposures like I have been exposed to in the past three years will be the final one. I have survived two bouts with cancer, sepsis infections, a coma, haemochromatosis, MS, a chronic flu/virus that for two years has been a daily battle and many other diseases. I go for walks with my dog and I garden and this summer we canoe. But my ability for joy is gone. I feel very little joy. It is work to see all my blessings (and believe me I have many). I am aware of the cognitive decline since the poisonings. I have a really hard time remembering names. I have trouble finding words. I burn myself and trip and fall and forget things on the stove way too often. This is my life. I am writing this today because I am about to give up. I am fighting a losing battle and most of the world could give a shit. I matter and I am really a pretty amazing person (thanks GOD) but I am isolated with this and alone in my pain. People have rejected me because they might have to stop bathing in their perfume. People can be extremely addicted to their chemicals. (Just ask a smoker) so they don’t want to stop their actions to make my life more manageable. They just want what they want. I think they don’t really believe this is real. While they are in their homes depressed and irritable and have headaches and are tired all the time. They won’t associate that with the chemicals they are using, the exposures they are exposed to. One day they might hear the diagnosis of cancer. Or Lou Gehrigs, or MS or Parkinson’s.  BY then it will be too late. The bees are dying, the oceans are exhibiting children’s cancer rates are soaring and we are turning a blind eye to OUR responsibility. Our part in this deadly, damaging dance.

So today, I am alone in my bed again, trying to eek out a living (having had to retire early) and I am beyond hurting. I am crying out, a lone voice in a sea of chemicals begging you to look at your life and the chemicals you use and the politicians you vote for and the products in your homes and at work and  take responsibility for not only your family and children and grand children, but others who are suffering deeply because of what you and you and you and you and Washington and Monsanto and Bayer and Johnson and Jonson and Dow chemical are doing.

We are all connected and if we have no Peace it is because we have forgotten we belong to one another. Mother Teresa

It’s probably too late for me and many others but please Do It For The Children




Who will speak for those who have no voice?

I can’t be quiet any longer. I can’t stand back and watch the governments decide that we need more revenue and the revenue comes from Monsanto and all the other lobbyist for the chemical industry.  The Washington COG is one of complete and utter corruption. Hilary Clinton being an example of one who is IN BED with large corporations who fund her lifestyle. She has hired ex Monsanto people, she takes their “advice” she puppets what they say. One hand washes the other. I am disgusted by all of this. They sign their moral compass over to the devils who do the dirty work. While INNOCENT and HELPLESS creatures and children and the water and the air becomes contaminated with their choices. I AM BEYOND holding my tongue.

What is, what has been and what will never be…making peace with my truth

My eyes will never see the great wall of China. I will never see the top of Kilimonjaro, nor the bottom of the ocean. I will miss Paris in the spring and the Nantucket Lobsters. I will never  see fireworks light up the sky in Sydney, Australia. I will never be a grandmother, nor birth a baby. I have no chance of going to swim with dolphins in the wild. I am a mostly home bound, chronically ill 60 year old woman. Many of my days are behind me now. I can’t see much without my glasses. I stumble a lot when I walk the trails. I have a lot of wrinkles and my hair, once thick and shiny is now stringy and thin. So thin I can see my scalp. I have survived two cancer go rounds and my breasts are scarred and useless. I hurt every day and parts of my body go to sleep if I lay or sit too long. I am always struggling, things that used to be easy are now really hard. My 88 year old Dad, says that he still doesn’t find it hard to do most things. I’m starting to know that I am older than my dad. He just returned from an 11 day trip to Alaska. I can barely go to the store down the road.

I share this because there comes a time in every ones life where we have to take life on life’s terms and say “Uncle” I didn’t think it would happen so soon but there it is… MS, chemical poisoning that nearly ended my life, accidents and deaths have taken their toll. Two time cancer survivor and septic infection comeback kid. 7 car accidents, struck by lightening through a phone and bit by a brown recluse spider in my bed while my husband slept beside me. Two rapes and an assault. Became pregnant in the rape. Lost the child to an auto-immune attack upon my body. Never had a baby in my arms to call my own. Rejected and despised, abused and beaten.

Do I want to write my truths? No I don’t. But this is who I am and this is what has made me. I can read off this litany of lists and understand broken. What amazes me is that I am still here. Fighting infections almost daily. Still trying to walk 10,000 steps a day. Still writing and trying to be a friend to others. Still learning to keep my mouth shut. Trying to be a wife and a friend and a daughter. Still trying to raise awareness for the bee’s and the babies. Still trying to care.

I have let a LOT of people go in my life. Those who were indifferent to my suffering, those who talked behind my back, who judge me harshly, who are not kind to me. DONE. Don’t have time to not be on my side any more. Life is short and I only have so much energy.

I have tried to make amends and to keep my side of the street cleaned up so to speak. I try to not be bitter or resentful. Some days that just creeps in like a dark cloud across the sun and I am learning to release it sooner than later. I try not to be jealous of those who are well and take it for granted every single day. I try not to be sad when I see the support and love some people get when they have  just one of the diseases I have had and they got to go on after a short rough patch in their lives. I have very little support and I can get pretty angry about that. Like what did I do? Why can’t I have what others have? A loving supportive community of real arms and helping hands to lift me when I’m really broken. I know this is sounding pathetic but it’s truth and it’s human and sometimes it isn’t pretty.

But you know what else is truth? I am still loved by a few people, very deeply. I have, with the help of a few beautiful people, raised up 14 water wells and have fed an estimated 4000 kids. There are people on this earth that I helped to be born. There are people on this earth who know more about Jesus and God because of who I am. There are people on this earth who would have died had they not come to me as my patient, I am a prayer warrior and people have been healed and delivered. Prisoners have known Christ. Homeless people have met the Lord. I have been used by GOD and that gives me hope that this pain wracked life has not been in vain. Songs that I have birthed have been sung and played at churches and funerals and weddings. I have won awards on this earth. I have written words that changed the shape of a heart and opened a mind. So my life has had some purpose and a lot of grace and love from the Lord Jesus Christ. I am held in his nail scarred hands. I am truly blessed in ways unspeakable. Mysteries have unfolded, glimpses of his glory, I have been transported into the very threshold of Gods presence. Changed without measure. I live as saints of Old, I am touched by angels and kissed by God and I have burned for it.

This is a crazy blog. Much like Paul in the book of Corinthians who bragged of his weakness and his walk with GOD and his love for the very ones by which he writes and in doing so he is encouraging himself. I am trying to encourage myself as I make myself fully known. I have long been told that I am not enough. In Christ I am more than enough. One of the strongest and bravest people I have ever known.  Because he loves me and lives in me..I don’t have to be perfect. He doesn’t look for perfection, he looks for our hearts. He wants us in his arms. He wants us in his sight.

After the poisoning

After the poisoning


A month before I was poisoned


Me at the age of 30


4 years before the poisoning


Some of my babies


Finding peace