“I am a stranger and a temporary resident on the earth”
“My heart is breaking with longing”
“With my whole heart have I sought you”
“I will meditate (think on these things)”
“Make me go in the path of your words, for in them is delight”
All of these came from Psalms 119
It’s been a year of incredible and unbelievable happenings and changes. I watched many of the things I hold sacred (The environment, kindness, morality of respect and love) go flying away, as if a Tsunami came and in it’s place (Often in the name of God) came uprising in our hearts such as I have never seen. I once read “I’m not worried I am just very alert.” I wish in my peaceful revolution within me that I can take my regard for all that is happening and lay it down somewhere and bury it until the next wave comes and washes it away. I wish I could say that in my prayers I was able in my heart to pray for this President in a manner worthy of prayer. I have awakened almost every single morning in disbelief at the news on my favorite morning show. I have watched dear friends snarl at me with words and daggers in their own hearts and I have fallen to my knees in sheer and desperate hope that the blinders on someones eyes would be lifted. “Change me or change them” I have prayed. I keep hoping that a small act of peace (like me keeping my mouth shut) will bring a major shift in peace.
I try to look at each person with kindness in my heart because I still believe in the family of man and therefor every person matters. YET if I am honest (and I try to be) I don’t always feel love or kindness towards someone or something that can and is hurting the very foundation I have walked upon for over 60 years.
I actually said out loud over Christmas (the season of love right?) when I heard what our President had been doing with big pharma, big oil and gas, big chemical companies “I hate him.” My sweet dad and my beloved sister both admitted they have felt similar feelings but then I hear dear God loving friends say how much hope they have in this President, while others (equally dear) hate with verbal venom, (out loud as I did). Not what one would expect from these tender Christian hearts.
I remember now how to survive all of this. I remember now the only thing that can get me to let go of any of this (I can hold on to my anger, my hate, my pain like a dog with a bone if left to my own devices) The only thing that I will pry my fingers open for healing is love. Love that does not come from me, for in my pain and fear and anger I am not capable of a loving response. I want to lash out, have the last word, raise my soul gun of a comeback and let them have it. I feel the heat rise up in my stomach when I hear about a half a million bees killed by vandalism, when I hear that our beautiful National parks are being shaved down to a fraction of what they were for oil and gas and development, when border walls are being built, when Tweets are sent over Uranium and war, when big business is given tax breaks while the poor are being punished. I feel my broken heart when friends who I love reject me because of my stance. This time in history is without question full of hardened hearts and soulful hatred. Yet I must remember this