For our children I tell my story

There is a time in a long suffering journey when all the doctor visits and all of the food changes and all of the homes created for healing seem for naught. When I was first diagnosed in the early eighties, after spending almost a straight year in an isolation unit in a hospital, my parents asked if what I had  was like Aids. The doctor looked them in the  eye and he said “No it’s worse.” At that point I was 86 pounds of pain, and living in a unit that tried to protect me from germs and chemicals because my immune system had gone AWOL. I was on oxygen and fed fluids through a tube and was a lab rat of sorts, as they experimented on me to prove to themselves that my disease was not psychosomatic, but rather some new breed of illness that actually rendered the body defenseless and over reactive all at the same time. It was the start of the “Auto-immune era” after chemicals were introduced into our world during WWII. The bodies of some of us simply didn’t know how to handle nor interpret the chemical messages and the bodies began to break down. There were about 6 of us in the unit at that time. Dying and frightened. I am now in my 34th year of sickness. The average time for most people with this disease  from diagnosis to death is between years 16-18. Most die from secondary infections or cancer or a severe reaction to a substance. The cause of death will not be attributed to this disease process, though it is the reason they will die.  Silent Spring, a book by Rachel Carson was a cry for the world to NOT become chemically addicted and poisoned. She was ridiculed and called delusional. She was a cry in the wilderness, a voice pleading with all of us to stop the madness before it is too late. I am one of the victims she predicted  (as are bee’s and birds and water sources and land stripped of life )and when I was first diagnosed they estimated just a few thousand of us in the United States. The estimated numbers now are in the millions. From first responders after 911, to veterans coming back from war, the number of us suffering from the evil carnage of chemicals is staggering. When we begin to understand the number of toxic chemicals we are exposed to in a single day (Average 550 by many accounts) from our make-up to our soaps, to our cleaning products, the carpets, the paints, deodorants, laundry detergents and dryer sheets, air fresheners, weed killers, bug sprays, chemical fertilizers, dry cleaning fluids, construction products, car exhaust, diesel smells, petrochemicals, glues, the list is truly endless in the US. which is tightly dancing the dance with chemical companies such as Monsanto and Bayer and Johnson and Johnson and Dow chemical while much of the world is banning those products. In Washington those companies spend millions of dollars lobbying and paying our politicians to vote for their freedoms and strengths in this country. This scenario of Giants killing and harming our world in the name of science and altruism (which makes me violently angry when I hear them spout their words about caring for the planet and feeding the planet etc)  Sadly Hilary Clinton and her running mate are big supporters of those big chemical businesses. I don’t know about Donald Trump but I suspect he is also. They can sit in Washington and say it’s safe to use all of these chemicals and GMO seeds, while I, and millions of us are suffering to a magnitude that  is indescribable. I will attempt right now to describe my days. I awaken every morning dizzy and in so much muscular pain I can barely get out of bed. My stomach is blocked or it is burning, when I urinate it can burn. My eyes are always red and they have blisters on them. I wear sun glasses most of the time. My liver hurts me, aches and jabs at me depending on what I am exposed to. My back tingles and my left side is tingling or numb.I have pressure in my head, and I carry exhaustion with me to the point where I have to stop and catch my breath. My bones crack, my ears roar and hiss and ring. If I go out with my loved ones to do anything and I get exposed my brain swells and I can feel like I can’t go on anymore. I cry and weep and pray almost constantly during those times and I pray to die. Everything I eat causes me symptoms. I love people but the chemicals that they use and wear make it almost impossible to be close to them. Well meaning people can make me very ill with their perfumes and soaps and hairspray and whatever else they use. When I attempted to recently purchase a used car and was outside because the showroom was making me so ill, I was poisoned by a lawn care company spraying for weeds during normal business hours. I have no rights, to clean air or clean water or to be able to go to church or a public place and not be sickened by other people’s “Right to choose.” When will I have rights?

My days are seemingly drawing near. No one knows when I will pass but I know that too many more exposures like I have been exposed to in the past three years will be the final one. I have survived two bouts with cancer, sepsis infections, a coma, haemochromatosis, MS, a chronic flu/virus that for two years has been a daily battle and many other diseases. I go for walks with my dog and I garden and this summer we canoe. But my ability for joy is gone. I feel very little joy. It is work to see all my blessings (and believe me I have many). I am aware of the cognitive decline since the poisonings. I have a really hard time remembering names. I have trouble finding words. I burn myself and trip and fall and forget things on the stove way too often. This is my life. I am writing this today because I am about to give up. I am fighting a losing battle and most of the world could give a shit. I matter and I am really a pretty amazing person (thanks GOD) but I am isolated with this and alone in my pain. People have rejected me because they might have to stop bathing in their perfume. People can be extremely addicted to their chemicals. (Just ask a smoker) so they don’t want to stop their actions to make my life more manageable. They just want what they want. I think they don’t really believe this is real. While they are in their homes depressed and irritable and have headaches and are tired all the time. They won’t associate that with the chemicals they are using, the exposures they are exposed to. One day they might hear the diagnosis of cancer. Or Lou Gehrigs, or MS or Parkinson’s.  BY then it will be too late. The bees are dying, the oceans are exhibiting children’s cancer rates are soaring and we are turning a blind eye to OUR responsibility. Our part in this deadly, damaging dance.

So today, I am alone in my bed again, trying to eek out a living (having had to retire early) and I am beyond hurting. I am crying out, a lone voice in a sea of chemicals begging you to look at your life and the chemicals you use and the politicians you vote for and the products in your homes and at work and  take responsibility for not only your family and children and grand children, but others who are suffering deeply because of what you and you and you and you and Washington and Monsanto and Bayer and Johnson and Jonson and Dow chemical are doing.

We are all connected and if we have no Peace it is because we have forgotten we belong to one another. Mother Teresa

It’s probably too late for me and many others but please Do It For The Children



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