What is, what has been and what will never be…making peace with my truth

My eyes will never see the great wall of China. I will never see the top of Kilimonjaro, nor the bottom of the ocean. I will miss Paris in the spring and the Nantucket Lobsters. I will never  see fireworks light up the sky in Sydney, Australia. I will never be a grandmother, nor birth a baby. I have no chance of going to swim with dolphins in the wild. I am a mostly home bound, chronically ill 60 year old woman. Many of my days are behind me now. I can’t see much without my glasses. I stumble a lot when I walk the trails. I have a lot of wrinkles and my hair, once thick and shiny is now stringy and thin. So thin I can see my scalp. I have survived two cancer go rounds and my breasts are scarred and useless. I hurt every day and parts of my body go to sleep if I lay or sit too long. I am always struggling, things that used to be easy are now really hard. My 88 year old Dad, says that he still doesn’t find it hard to do most things. I’m starting to know that I am older than my dad. He just returned from an 11 day trip to Alaska. I can barely go to the store down the road.

I share this because there comes a time in every ones life where we have to take life on life’s terms and say “Uncle” I didn’t think it would happen so soon but there it is… MS, chemical poisoning that nearly ended my life, accidents and deaths have taken their toll. Two time cancer survivor and septic infection comeback kid. 7 car accidents, struck by lightening through a phone and bit by a brown recluse spider in my bed while my husband slept beside me. Two rapes and an assault. Became pregnant in the rape. Lost the child to an auto-immune attack upon my body. Never had a baby in my arms to call my own. Rejected and despised, abused and beaten.

Do I want to write my truths? No I don’t. But this is who I am and this is what has made me. I can read off this litany of lists and understand broken. What amazes me is that I am still here. Fighting infections almost daily. Still trying to walk 10,000 steps a day. Still writing and trying to be a friend to others. Still learning to keep my mouth shut. Trying to be a wife and a friend and a daughter. Still trying to raise awareness for the bee’s and the babies. Still trying to care.

I have let a LOT of people go in my life. Those who were indifferent to my suffering, those who talked behind my back, who judge me harshly, who are not kind to me. DONE. Don’t have time to not be on my side any more. Life is short and I only have so much energy.

I have tried to make amends and to keep my side of the street cleaned up so to speak. I try to not be bitter or resentful. Some days that just creeps in like a dark cloud across the sun and I am learning to release it sooner than later. I try not to be jealous of those who are well and take it for granted every single day. I try not to be sad when I see the support and love some people get when they have  just one of the diseases I have had and they got to go on after a short rough patch in their lives. I have very little support and I can get pretty angry about that. Like what did I do? Why can’t I have what others have? A loving supportive community of real arms and helping hands to lift me when I’m really broken. I know this is sounding pathetic but it’s truth and it’s human and sometimes it isn’t pretty.

But you know what else is truth? I am still loved by a few people, very deeply. I have, with the help of a few beautiful people, raised up 14 water wells and have fed an estimated 4000 kids. There are people on this earth that I helped to be born. There are people on this earth who know more about Jesus and God because of who I am. There are people on this earth who would have died had they not come to me as my patient, I am a prayer warrior and people have been healed and delivered. Prisoners have known Christ. Homeless people have met the Lord. I have been used by GOD and that gives me hope that this pain wracked life has not been in vain. Songs that I have birthed have been sung and played at churches and funerals and weddings. I have won awards on this earth. I have written words that changed the shape of a heart and opened a mind. So my life has had some purpose and a lot of grace and love from the Lord Jesus Christ. I am held in his nail scarred hands. I am truly blessed in ways unspeakable. Mysteries have unfolded, glimpses of his glory, I have been transported into the very threshold of Gods presence. Changed without measure. I live as saints of Old, I am touched by angels and kissed by God and I have burned for it.

This is a crazy blog. Much like Paul in the book of Corinthians who bragged of his weakness and his walk with GOD and his love for the very ones by which he writes and in doing so he is encouraging himself. I am trying to encourage myself as I make myself fully known. I have long been told that I am not enough. In Christ I am more than enough. One of the strongest and bravest people I have ever known.  Because he loves me and lives in me..I don’t have to be perfect. He doesn’t look for perfection, he looks for our hearts. He wants us in his arms. He wants us in his sight.

After the poisoning

After the poisoning

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A month before I was poisoned

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Me at the age of 30

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4 years before the poisoning

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Some of my babies

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Finding peace

3 thoughts on “What is, what has been and what will never be…making peace with my truth

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